A few weeks ago I bought a mop.
It was one of those new mops with a spongey end and fancy retractor thingy, post purchase I felt an over-whelming sense of achievement. I felt like an adult. I felt less like an adult when I had to get on the bus and hold it between my legs like a quidditch stick but still more adult that when I didn’t own a mop at all. This made me realise that in a world where it is impossible for me to become an adult in the traditional sense, aka homeownership, manownership, babyowership I have to seek new and innovative ways to identify with being an adult.
Roz’s Innovative Ways of Feeling Less like a Plum and More like an Adult:
1. There is an app for that. Being truly adult means digitalising your life. When I download my flight boarding pass on my phone – not only am I basically saving the planet all by myself* – I am simply a more efficient, better human being. No offence to the moronic peasants that actually print out their boarding passes on to manufactured thin sheets of wood pulp… but when I shimmy past you with my trench coat on, mobile in hand and simply glide through the barrier whilst you are rummaging in your bag, covered in paper cuts I immediately feel like Beyoncé compared to you, Michelle.
*look guys I included irony, because I am flying, which is apparently very damaging to the environment, and I am trying to say that because I didn’t print it out on piece of paper, it makes me Leo D. Hahaha, how funny I am.
2. Rejecting the Kardashians. This is going to be a hard one for a lot of my friends to swallow but deleting the Daily Mail app off of my phone was a hallmark of becoming not only an adult but less of a cunt, actually. It has never been more important for our generation to ensure we are properly informed about the world. 2016 has thrown us a right shitter which has made me more and more interested in politics and global affairs. I’ve now signed up to the economist, as I want to educate myself about things that matter; I also want attractive men on the tube to think I am well clever. I’m not saying being an adult is totally rejecting celebrity culture, of course it isn’t. I like a nip slip pic as much as the next person but we can’t let it dilute our media consumption. Getting informed is getting wiser.
3. Using big words. It’s OK that I am priced out of the London housing market because I have the word elaborate. Let’s elaborate on this shall we, expanding your vocabulary is a tremendous way to satisfy adult requisites; throw a couple of impressive words into your dialogue and Bob’s your uncle, you have made it to fully functioning adulthood. I recommend the following adult approved words: diligent, gospel (as in ‘you should take this advice as gospel’), cumulative, devise and impending. God I love the word impending, it’s exciting and mysterious. WHEN? GOD DAMN IT! WHEN?
4. Dry Cleaning. When do you ever see a bunch of kids in the dry cleaners? You don’t, because it’s not for them. Using the dry cleaners automatically makes you a mature responsible adult. That chemically clean smell just oozes maturity. Also, if you have done something a bit silly, perhaps something that makes you feel like you aren’t an adult – such as getting really pissed and rolling around in dirt – you can automatically rectify your shirt (and your shame) buy going to the dry-cleaners. Plus you get a free hanger. Win.
5. Presents for Parents. The day you spend the same amount of money on your parent’s Christmas/birthday gifts as they on yours is the day you are a true adult. I know, I’m sorry guys, I didn’t say it was going to be easy, but this year a DVD of the latest Helen Mirren film just aint gonna cut it. Being an adult is expensive !
So there you have my top five anti-plum adulthood rules. Why don’t you implement some and I’ll look forward to your impending comments…. Just don’t ask me if I’ve actually used that mop I bought.